


future hearts

by youngvcins (orphan_account)



Category: I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band), Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, I love all time low, M/M, Self Harm, Sex, Suicide Attempt, based off the atl album ish, be safe pls the scenes might be graphic, majority of this is ry and dall, more characters might appear - Freeform, summaries in notes for trigger warning chapters, transgender dallon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-30 12:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14496846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/youngvcins
Summary: two trainwrecks meet on a bridge right before midnight and try to stitch together their broken livesaka, ryan and dallon need help but they’re fucking stubborn





	1. satellites

**Author's Note:**

> hi welcome! this isn’t my first time writing fanfic but it’s the first ao3 fic i’ve written in a while.
> 
> -trigger warnings for this one. read with caution after ryan asks how dallon got on the bridge or stop reading-
> 
> summary:  
> dallon sneaks out of his house quite drunk after his mom leaves and ends up at a bridge. ryan seaman from the other side of town also ends up on this bridge and the two of them talk about their pasts and what’s making them upset.

— wishing on a star that’s just a satellite

“hannah marie weekes!”

dallon slams the door and is now sitting on the back porch. he hated the way his mom wouldn’t ever call him by his true name, and he hated his life. he had no friends, he lost his phone and computer after he declined seeing his father, and earlier that day, his girlfriend broke up with him when dallon showed up to her house while on cocaine.

he really didn’t have anything to live for. the bridge on thames street looked tempting right now, especially because he doesn’t know how to fucking swim.

dallon hid out on the porch for an hour before his mom left for her graveyard shift. he snuck back into the house and got a bottle of his mother’s vodka before walking outside.

oh yeah, he can’t fucking drive anywhere. 

on the other side of town, there’s ryan seaman. a twenty-two year old who revently got fired after showing up to work four hours late and fucking intoxicated before passing out in the middle of his shift due to the weed and whiskey.

at this point, neither of these two idiots know what they’re doing. which probably means that they’ll die anytime soon, but then there wouldn’t be a story.

ryan parks his car in the parking lot of a grocery store before wandering around. there, he sees some lanky brunette on a bridge. 

“mind if i sit?” ryan asks. the brunette doesn’t respond. “i’ll sit anyways. what’s the random chance that strangers would meet on a bridge?”

still, no response.

at this point, the teenager is too scared to speak. voices unmask a lot about a person’s character.

“today’s probably fucked up if we’re both sitting here on a bridge on a friday night.” ryan sighs. “i’m ryan. ryan seaman.”

the brunette lets out the breath they didn’t know they were holding in. “d-dallon. dallon weekes.” he stutters out. he attempts to lower his voice before failing.

”what brings you here?”

”stupid teenager bullshit. my mom, my ex, my friends. or, lack of. they all cut contact with me because we weren’t exactly close.” dallon runs his fingers through his hair and dangles his feet off the barrier of the bridge.

”ah, that was a time. being a teenager is never fun no matter what everyone says.” ryan comments.

”my ex girlfriend’s parents called my mom earlier today because i showed up to her house while i was on cocaine. she dumped me right then and there, and when i got home my mom and i went into another fight, about how i’m going against god’s will and that i’m ruining my life if i don’t start pulling my weight in school. i’m a fucking senior, and i still don’t have plans in life.”

”if it makes you feel any better, i dropped out of school when i was a junior. you’re farther in life than i am. i’m twenty-two, i should be graduating college already. instead i’m fucking up my body with weed, cigarrettes, alcohol, etc. all of that crap. i got fired like a week ago for being high at work.” ryan sighs.

”i’m gonna have fun not being able to find a job that accepts my blue hair and finding a new place to live once i inevitably get kicked out.”

after that, it’s just silence. the two of them are still sitting at the bridge, but dallon is closer to the sidewalk than the ocean now.

”hey, you could be a serial killer for all i know, and to be completely honest i actually wouldn’t mind it if you were because i’d finally get out of this hellhole that they call earth, but can i stay with you tonight?” dallon asks.

“sorry, i’m not a serial killer. but yeah, you can stay with me if you can handle being in a rat’s cave.”

”it’s better than nothing.”

the two turn around and ryan leads dallon out to ryan’s car a few blocks away.

”can i ask how you ended up on the bridge?” ryan asks.

”yeah it’s fine.”

”after my mom and i had that fight earlier this evening, she grabbed my arm and saw all of the cuts. i’ve been doing this for years. since middle school. my dad found out in eighth grade and he made me promise to stop. i did for a while. the habit came back in freshman year when some idiots decided to strip me and take pictures of my body for their amusement. whatever. after that, i didn’t put an effort into stopping. when my mom found the cuts i just bolted and sat on the porch and waited for her to leave so that i could sneak in and grab alcohol.”

”have you ever considered suicide?”

”yeah. a lot. i’ve attempted three times. i was in freshman year and i was dumb enough to try drowning myself in the tub. my neighbor vic found me since they watch the house while my dad’s gone. they ended up using cpr.”

”the second time was the summer before sophomore year. i shoved like a handful of pills down my throat. vic found me again and made me throw them up since i was still conscious. they took me to the doctor to see if my stomach needed to be pumped out but i guess it didn’t.”

”they told my dad about both times i attempted and made me move in with mt mom as if that was gonna help. it actually made things worse. my dad actually didn’t care about my identity or anything like that, but my mom’s fucking hellbent on making me religious.”

”the last time i attempted was last year, where i crashed my car. i got my license taken away and had a broken arm and leg.”

ryan is quiet while dallon is talking. he doesn’t know what to say, and he certainly can’t help dallon. ryan’s been in and out of the hospital for suicide attempts. five of them. the doctor recommended putting him in the mental hospital, but he had no health insurance and still needed to pay off the debts of the last hospital visits.

ryan doesn’t try to be cliche and tell dallon that he’s there for him. his future isn’t fucking promised.

for the rest of the drive, dallon is asleep, and ryan ends up parking in the lot outside the complex. dallon’s life only goes to show that he’s not the only fucked up one here.

”goodnight dallon.” ryan sighs before falling asleep as well.


	2. kicking and screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi here's a little trigger warning (also i am tired,, please do not sue me for typos or continuity errors

dallon wakes up the next day by ryan's phone going off. it's 7:20 am. ryan ends up nudging the phone so that it drops between the compartment and ryan's seat.

dallon fishes it out and presses the snooze button. it probably was his work alarm got fired, and plus ryan really needed a fucking break.

except now that dallon's awake, he can't go to sleep again. he considers going out to the local drugstore to buy a few packs of cigarettes to get him through today, but decides against it because he's on the other side of fucking salem oregon with a man he met eight or nine hours ago and no way to get home. ~~(not that he actually wants to go home and see his pissed off mother)~~  

hey, if he dies today, he'd be fucking grateful. if ryan's not a serial killer, he's sure someone else in this godforsaken place is. 

it doesn't take long for ryan to wake up, and now the two of them are heading up to ryan's apartment. when they arrive, ryan gives dalton some clothes and ryan tells him that he can use the shower and that they're going to the grocery store soon to buy food with what little money ryan has left. (note to future ryan: when you try to get your shit together, even if it's tempting: remember not to invest your life in drugs and alcohol)

dallon and ryan get home from the grocery store at 10:26 am, and dallon is thankful that he's not dealing with his mother and that he's not doing questionably stupid things that could result in death for once in his life. well, kind of. it's too early to tell what kind of day it's going to be.

ryan's apartment is a fucking mess. he hasn't cleaned it in a long time, and the only source of entertainment there is until ryan can find the remote control are card games. more specifically, go fish - it's the only game ryan vaguely remembers how to play. (dallon doesn't remember it at all) after a while. ryan gets frustrated and throws the cards everywhere. 

even though dallon is still being arrogant by not wanting to see his mother, he still makes ryan take him home anyways just to avoid getting called on by the cops. ryan asks dallon for his phone number, but dalton shrugs and says that he can't have his phone. dallon tells him to meet him at the bridge sometimes around or before midnight, and ryan's face is uplifted into a small smile.

it's the first time he's attempted to smile in a long time. 

dallon's never made an actual friend that gave a shit about his depression and anxiety, or even knows about his suicide attempts. oddly enough, he finds comfort in telling it to a twenty-two year old (kinda) stranger with blue hair. maybe it's the way that the two of them have similar problems, or maybe it's because dallon really finds ryan's voice soothing and calming. he feels like he can trust him.

when dallon gets home, his mom's car is still gone. dallon has a breath of relief and tells himself that he's got a little bit of time before his mother comes back. he hears the house phone ring and he finds out that it's his school. he picks it up that way his mother wouldn't find out later on, only to find out that it's to set up a conference time between the principal and his mom. 

he and his mom both sound exactly the same, and it's the consequences of already finishing the female puberty and not being on testosterone yet. he gives off one word responses confirming the conference before abruptly hanging up. conferences don't happen unless a student is failing more than one class.

he should have expected it, since he hasn't been to school for about a month now, but he didn't expect it and now he has to figure out a way out of this ugly mess when there's less than two months of school left that he doesn't wanna go through. and on top of that, he finds that breezy has left a box full of memorabilia between the two of them at dallon's doorstep.

he's having an amazing life and he's 99.99% close to having a mental breakdown. 

he feels as shitty as this fan fiction chapter and he needs professional help because he's ready to destroy everything.

instead, he sleeps. he sets an alarm for later that evening that way he can get ready before he sees ryan.

when dallon wakes up, he sees that his mother is still gone, and he takes it as a sign that ryan and dallon are supposed to hang out today. 

dallon is a romantic. he believes in soulmates, destiny, fate, etc. he's also a believer in the butterfly effect, where everything you do sets off a chain reaction. 

he thanks yesterday at 11 am dallon for showing up to breezy's house under the influence of cocaine. in the span of a little over a day, he managed to meet a(n) ~~(hot)~~ older guy that he can somehow trust, get shitfaced, and got his mom to be out of the dysfunctional weekes household during the daytime. (curse genetics for making both of them night owls.)

how fucking wild. 

he starts feeling like romeo in the late first and early second act where he feels like he wants to marry juliet, even though the two of them had literally just met an hour before they proclaimed their love for each other. (at least it's been longer than an hour.)

usually, romance makes him sick to his stomach. mainly because of past experiences or overdramaticized cliches, but he doesn't feel that with ryan. 

dallon is completely sober and not hungover while thinking about all of this. 

he takes breezy's box with him on his walk even though it's an additional three pounds because he has come up with an idea. (an illegal idea, but an idea nonetheless.) at least he's getting exercise, even if it's minimal.

he sees ryan on the bridge with puffy eyes and a duffel bag. dallon can obviously tell that ryan is upset. 

"what happened?" he asks. he feels as if he's being pushy, but to be honest, ryan actually likes that dallon cares about him.

"the doctor found out that i wasn't taking my meds because i haven't come back for a refill in sixth months. i was supposed to go three months ago, but by then i had completely stopped taking the meds." ryan explains. 

dallon can tell that there's more to the story, but he doesn't pry anymore. he figures that ryan would tell him whenever he's ready. instead, he asks about the duffel bag.

"the bag's full of meds. all of the meds i was supposed to take in the past seven or eight months. i was gonna dump it into the river."

"wow. we think alike." dallon laughs, holding up the box. he's ready to throw it over the fucking bridge and into the fucking river never to be seen again. fuck the police. (metaphorically, of course.)

ryan straight up drops the bag into the river, while dallon takes the longer route by ripping up all the photographs and notes before dumping them into the river. 

"i never really loved you anyways."

dalton knows that's bullshit. maybe it wasn't romantic love, but he did love her a lot. dalton and breezy have known each other since they were kids. 

breezy only got to talk to dallon through a mutual friend of theirs, and started a conversation about some random band. breezy and dallon had both said they wish they had talked sooner, because they were both sophomores at the time and had gone to the same elementary school and middle school.

dallon doesn't feel like crying. he feels kind of sad, because he was a shitty boyfriend, but at the same time, he feels relieved that he doesn't have to put breezy through all of the stress in his life. ~~(plus he finds his new blue-haired friend ridiculously hot, but you didn't hear that from me.)~~

he starts screaming, and ryan has to hold onto him that way dallon doesn't try to jump into the freezing water at midnight and possibly drown.

dallon could care less about his own fate.

ryan rubs dallon's back, and when dallon's starting to calm down, his first instinct is to kiss dallon's forehead. dallon doesn't seem to mind it. 

ryan cares about dallon. sure they met exactly 24 hours ago and still don't know many important details in each other's lives, but ryan has a gut feeling to protect dallon from the harm in the world, even if that means making himself vulnerable. 

_fourteen year old ryan walks home from the bus stop, and suddenly there's these two boys that attack ryan. ryan feels helpless, unable to protect himself. suddenly, someone is running out with a baseball bat ready to hit the boys._

_it's jacky vincent, ryan's sixteen year old next door neighbor. at the time, the seaman family had just moved into the area, and ryan didn't have any friends._

_jacky was like an older brother to ryan, always protecting him whenever there's harm._

_when ryan goes to the high school the following school year, jacky immediately goes over to him and helps ryan find his way around the school. (he also shows ryan the secret basement where he hangs out whenever class gets a bit much.)_

_right after jacky graduates, he gets charged with illegal drug possession._

_jacky calls ryan to tell him that it wasn't true and that he was framed. ryan said that he would post bail when he gets his next paycheck, and jacky swallows his pride even though it makes him feel guilty because without ryan's help: jacky would be stuck in here for a long ass time._

_unfortunately before ryan is able to help post bail, the sheriff calls to tell him that jacky was brutally murdered. some other prison rat had a knife on him and when jacky tried to stop the fight, he ended up getting stabbed._

_dallon actually reminds ryan of jacky in a way, and for the first time in his life, someone or something that reminds him of jacky doesn't make him want to jump off the deep end._

at least one thing they've both learned from today - don't let shitty people take over your lives and take advantage of the time you have with the people around you.


	3. something's gotta give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little filler, but basically ryan and dall get really wasted and then make out lol

dallon stays with ryan again for the night. this time, both of them stay in bed and watch shitty television. 

dallon feels like his mother is (probably) back at home and still pissed about her "daughter" and that "she's" runaway, but at the same time, dallon doesn't really give a fuck. before he left to go to the bridge yesterday he -somehow miraculously- found the hiding spot where his mother hid his phone. without any thought, he grabbed the phone and left to go meet ryan. ryan added his phone number into the phone and dallon put it on silent mode in his pants pocket. 

although right now, dallon has no intentions of leaving and might as well drive to seattle with ryan with the way he's been thinking. dallon doesn't know or care about the future. he wants to be with ryan, even though he feels a little bit rushed. hey, if romeo and juliet could get married within twelve hours of meeting each other, why can't dallon have a crush on a guy that he met two days ago? he wants to be happy with ryan, even if it's a three week fling at most. it would be nice to experiment. ryan's the only good thing going in his life at the moment. he loves the rush of being with someone older than him. (the rational side of dallon left when he was thirteen, just before he found out he was trans) 

dallon suggests opening a bottle of wine from the fridge, and ryan gets up to grab it. it's ten o'clock in the morning and they're both in t-shirts and gym shorts drinking wine straight from the bottle. (you can kinda tell what kind of day it's going to be.) 

"twenty one questions, go." "what?" "come on, let's play twenty one questions. i'll start. what are two things you know you should how to do but don’t?" ryan giggles. 

"probably cook and drive. i mean, i did have my license at one point but then it got revoked because i crashed into some shit and i had several speeding tickets." dallon responds. "that's a mood. now you come up with one." dallon laughs. "what the hell, ryan? why?" dallon laughs again. "umm... what is the most useless thing you know how to do?" "making heart shaped hard boiled eggs." 

dallon's now cackling. "RYAN!" he can't contain his laughter, and he's really fucking drunk. "why do you know how to do that?!" "my friend jacky taught me how to do it when i was over at his house before he went on a date." ryan's bursting into laughter as well at this point. "i don't know where he got it from but oh well." "YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME NOW!" "we probably don't have any eggs in the fridge though." ryan pouts. 

"oh well. your turn!!" dallon squeals. "if you were a ghost, who would you haunt?" ryan asks. "probably my dad. i haven't seen him in a while and my mother wouldn't let me see him when i moved in with her. something about him making me depressed or some shit." "oof." ryan decides to take his shirt off because he's feeling warm, and dallon catcalls him. "oh really? how fucking funny." ryan sarcastically comments. "you're fucking fabulous for putting up with my bullshit. you're also really hot." he's blushing now, and if anyone else were here, he'd tell them that alcohol makes his cheeks rosy - and that's 100% a lie, because ryan seaman doesn't blush often.) he wants to kiss dallon badly now. "what's the matter? cat got your tongue?" dallon smirks.

 _how fucking wonderful._ ryan could feel his blush getting deeper.

dallon jumps into ryan's lap and kisses him passionately. ryan kissses him back and runs his hands through dallon's hair.

~~he tastes like cherry and wine and tequila if you were to ask ryan.~~

they're making out until they need oxygen, and the two of them are flustered messes.

although ryan's heavily drunk right now, he doesn't feel like hooking up with dallon. timing doesn't feel right. dallon's thankful for that when he pulls away from ryan.

"i'm trans. it's cool if you don't like me like that anymore or anything." dallon says, bluntly. ryan kinda passes it off. "it's cool. i won't make you do anything if you don't want to." another one of ryan's redeeming qualities - he doesn't get temporary amnesia when he gets drunk.)

"i might be gay, but like, you're still 100% dude to me. kinda doesn't really matter all that much. i'm attracted to anyone that identifies as male. still wanna fuck?" ryan asks. dallon smirks, and then leaps back at ryan.

temporary bliss is better than nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it!


End file.
